The confessions part I

Funny thing I realised about blogs. Your thoughts, fantasies, issues and struggles out there for all the world to see. It's like you're talking to the whole world and noone at the same time.

I've been thinking about my father lately. I've never met him, have talked with him on the phone though. I wouldn't call it a converstion as it was over faster than you can say family reunion. That was sad.

I want the man in my life. It's like my life has a missing piece and he's got it somehow. A friend asked me what I want from him and honestly there's no other way I can articulate it except to say I want him "there", present in my life. To talk to, be with, laugh with, whatever it is that fathers do and are.

I've always wondered whether I would have turned out differently had he been in my life. How the way I see the world would have changed. How my relationships with others especially men would have been influenced.

His absence in my life has coloured how I see the world. How I interact with members of the opposite sex and in many other nuanced ways that only someone who is in the same position can appreciate.

I will again contact him and see where that will lead.

The Vent

It's 12am and I'm listening to the captivating trumpet of Hugh Masekela. I had an outline of what my next post would be but I've forgotten. So I'll dabble in some free writing. Well it's my blog, my space, so I can do whatever I want.

Three days ago I sent my photo to an online "companion". I was very reluctant, what with people nursing Halle Berry fantasies. But he did the worst thing he could have done - not saying anything, no comment, nada! I also didn't ask and we're still chatting so I'll just let it play out. Why do we get so hung up over looks? And I must admit I'm not immune to the disorder either. Teeth and shoulders are my thing. If a guy does not have a good set of pearly whites i.e. a WWE Raw spectacle on the gums instead of an ochestra - I squirm! The same goes for shoulders, they must be wide and cushiony-looking, then I'm in paradise. To each her own I guess.

I have aspirations of being a writer, singer and song-writer and I believe one has to confront whatever issues exist before producing works that will truly have an impact. It's once we're at peace with ourselves, comfortable in our own skins, can we write from a posture of strength. That we can truly be mirrors, reflecting, engaging with and challenging our society. Maybe the very process of writing can be carthartic on it's own.

Dealing with body issues and my tendency to shut the door on people who don't necessarily exhibit what I consider as worthy qualities are part of the signposts to pass on my journey. A journey not of self-discovery but self acceptance. It's been said that what we don't like in other people usually has a resonance with our own perceived inadequacies.

And I guess I shouldn't be too hard on others as they have the same journey to travel. From now on I'll share my pic - the other party may think what they will.

Ah the first post, very daunting. This is my fourth try of "penning" eloquent verse, vivid, vibrant word wizardry. Oh well, this blog is my space in space, my thoughts in time, my footprint in the marketplace of ideas, ideologies, values. These are my days, my joys, my sorrows. This is the mirror to my soul and to my world. My dreams for the future, my challenges of today.

To be continued...